I’m thinking of my sister and her family who will face the
first Christmas without my brother-in-law. Like many people who experience a
deep loss, they find it hard to truly celebrate the season. It becomes more of
a ritual of going through the motions, but still trying to hold on to the
goodness of generosity, compassion and caring. Grief just has a way of eroding
joy.
The first year after losing my husband eight years ago was
extremely difficult, not that it’s a piece cake now, so to speak. But since his
passing was in late September, I was still somewhat in shock of the loss when
Christmas rolled around. The one thing I discovered to be most helpful was to
continue some of the traditions and some of the good things we did together. It
was a way to honor him, and it made him feel a little closer, too.
I also realized that, while the void was something I couldn’t
fill, I needed to still celebrate Christ’s birth. After all, it was the
beginning of the greatest gift I would and could ever receive, mostly because
it gave me hope that I would see Steve again. I also found that doing things
for others and making their life a little better let me focus on something
besides myself and my devastation.
When such losses occur, it’s important to give oneself
permission to begin some new traditions, or just change how things are done for
that year. For me, at my sons’ urging, it meant still hosting our family’s
Christmas Eve open house to include other family and friends, but also an
annual trip following Christmas Day.
My oldest son was unmarried at the time and always had the
week off between Christmas and New Year’s, so it became a new tradition for us
to get away for about four days. We did that for five years until he married. And
now after eight years, I no longer need to have the after-Christmas trip to
look forward to and distract me from my loss.
If you know someone who is experiencing a great loss this
year, please try to understand how they choose to handle celebrations. In time,
they will acclimate to the difference, even though it might never be the same
for them. Sometimes grief takes time, and there is a learning curve to accept
what one cannot change. But to everyone in that transition and to everyone else,
I still wish you a Merry Christmas with peace and blessings, and a much Happier
New Year.
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